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Sunday, 16 May 2010

I plan to adopt

I plan to adopt.

I've thought about this so thoroughly for so long that I can't see any possible reason in the future for me to not. I love kids. I always have, and probably always will. My family is the most cherished aspect of my life and I've always thought that I'd want nothing more than to do even half as decent a job at raising a child as my parents have with my brother and I.

But, the ability...no, the privilege to be the gender than brings life into the world is lost on me. I can't have kids. It's probably not every day that you run into a 20 year old who is fully aware of their lack of fertility. But, I'm one of them. I've pushed through a lot of stuff in the past, and as proud as I am to say that, the parts of me that have been lost, can't be ignored. I've mentioned before that every time I walked into the hospital I walked out missing a part of myself that was too premature to have lost. It's hard to look back and be able to keep a literal time-line of when pieces broke off in immediate correlation with my trips to the ER, but I've come to accept it. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for my past.

But one of the harder things to deal with has been this impending fact. No, I'm young at the moment, so it's not a road I need to cross yet, but it's something I've prepared myself for nonetheless.

But the thing is. Before I even knew about my slim chances in mixing up a future gene pool, I wanted to adopt. I appreciate and admire the beauty of a pregnant woman, but I want to help shape a life that already exists. My love of children will never stop at chromosomes and just the thought of adoption makes me smile.

Anyways, just felt like saying that. Good night world. Well, to whomever reads this :)

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Still Kicking

So, I'm turning twenty in a couple months. No, I'm not an ancient, and even then, I still wouldn't know everything. But I'm proud of what I do know. I find pride in the lessons that I've learned, the mistakes that I've made, the accomplishments and even failures that were mine and mine alone. I am not self righteous and I'm far from egotistic, but guess what? I've been blessed with possibly more experiences in my twenty years of life than most of even the mature xangians around. (Oh, don't worry. I haven't forgotten the young things who cry about their flabby bellies). I don't get the pleasure of saying "I'll do it tomorrow" and in the end of the day I thank God for that. We live in a world so dominated by our tomorrows that we forget our todays. I won't be able to stick around for all my tomorrows, so I make each one of my todays as worthy as they should be to be my today.

People forget way to often that you can't spend your whole life waiting to live. We work ourselves to our bones to make money for the future. To create something concrete in the end. I'm glad that I've never had that frame of mind. I work for now. Because I simply enjoy pushing myself in every sense. Maybe because I've come to the conclusion that I may not have this 'future' for all my labor to be poured into some day. Or maybe it's just because I really aim for pleasure that keeps me naive to the pressures of 'life.' But whatever it is, I love it. And there is nothing that would make me want to change that small part of me.

I love life.

In all its unfairness, bitterness, brilliance, and unpredictability. I wish it didn't take realization of the end to stir this unbelievable love, but it probably is. So I spread it. I spread the knowledge out as far as I can that it is worth loving. Even ugliness in its rawest should just make you appreciate the beauty that much more. Stop waiting for tomorrow. You'll just keep missing out on today.

If today was your last day, wouldn't you want it be to something amazing? Something to be proud of recognizing in it's simplicity. Live life while you can. Stop waiting.

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Dying

Life is amazing. Imagine then, the divine gift that some people have to be able to create life, share it, and bring it into our world. Truly stunning. Mind you, I cannot possibly see the beauty of a woman's swollen stomach as clearly as she can, but I try. I'll never have that opportunity. How ironic is it that I only just recently wrote a "To Do" list for life. And here I am, a couple weeks later hardly able to read the first few items. Mostly because my 19 year old heart yearns for marriage and children. I'm dying. I don't know if I should consider it sad or weak that I can say those words without emotion anymore. I promised myself months ago that I would not go through it again. I would finally do the only thing in life that I really want to do; Stop fighting.
It's possibly the most selfish thing I am capable of. I feel horrible about even considering this decision...there shouldn't be any decision to make! But...yet...here I am. With the most critical choice of my life swinging monotonously above my head.
Treatment is hell. It cuts you apart...skins out the parts of you that you are nowhere near ready to give up. It kills you. Just in a different way than the illness. You crumble, watch yourself physically and mentally fade, and finally give yourself totally to it. But, I can handle that. I can handle the pain, the sickness, the weakness...but I can't handle watching the people I love sit on the sidelines, dying along with me.( And collecting what's left of yourself after it isn't a part I can continue to work through...what if I loss myself completely? I start collecting dust). They don't deserve to die while they are allowed to live. Not because of me. It hurts them too much. I don't want to be looking up at them through half closed eyes, pretending to sleep, from the confines of that damn bed anymore. I want them to smile when I'm not looking. I want them to see someone who is living, rather than waiting to die.
Fight.
Again.
I can't do it. What if I'm lying in the way of another's recovery? I'm 19 and have relapsed four times. It's someone else's turn. I feel like I'm taking up these resources that can help others who will make the best of them. They're worth it. I'm lucky to have reached this age.
Then...I look into the eyes of Guy, my mom, and everyone else who loves me more than I deserve and know that the last thing any of them could ever want is for me to not fight. The consequences of me choosing to not fight are clear: I'd hurt everyone around me in persuit of something that none of them will understand the reasoning of.....it would feel like betrayal and weakness to them. Who am I to decide that it is justified simply because it is something they don't understand? How can I decide that it's something worth doing depite the consequences? I could never get them to understand my reasoning, but does that really make a difference? Doing the right thing here is so difficult. I'm not sure what the right thing is in this case. Fight for them, or live for me. I don't want to give myself to this...I want to live while I still can. I want to be with people rather than them visit me. I want to wake up, breathe my own air, and take my own steps without tubes, machines and eyes on my every move.
But I can't turn my back on them. Even if all I want is to stop fighting, it competes just as wholly with the fact that I don't want them to cry because I'm not going to be around. Worst of all, cry because I won't fight. I'll be hurting them with either choice. I don't want to! I'm so sure of how this will end though...even if I undergo treatment...my chances are so bleak.
This is my worse case yet. I can already feel the sickness. Normally I can't feel it. I know that I'm not going to make it this time. I can feel it...I know. I don't know how long I have left...and it's a little scary. But I want to make it as easy as I can on everyone...and if that means I sacrifice making it easy on myself...then I can do it. But, I need...NEED...to do something for myself at one point. I've never done that before...
I'm dying.